The Great Monster Joke Book Read online

  TEST YOUR MONSTER IQ

  How much do you really know about monsters? It’s time to find out with our incredibly detailed and revealing quiz.

  1. What’s the scariest creature known to humankind?

  A A vicious, evil manticore.

  B A massive, terrifying basilisk.

  C An angry, shouting mum.

  2. Why do monsters exist?

  A To make money from really bad horror movies.

  B To scare the living daylights out of humans.

  C Monsters don’t really exist, do they? They do? Yikes!

  3. What’s the most common kind of nightmare?

  A Being chased by a monster.

  B Being eaten by a monster.

  C Waking up and realizing you haven’t done your homework – oops, I don’t actually think that was a dream …

  4. What would you do if you saw a vampire?

  A Chuck some garlic at it.

  B Hammer a stake through its heart.

  C Ask it round for a bite to eat.

  5. Are you scared of monsters?

  A Yes.

  B No.

  C I didn’t hear the question – I was hiding under my duvet.

  Results

  Mostly As: Good effort

  Your monster know-how is about average. If you’d like to brush up on your knowledge, try a crash course in monsterology, or maybe even a GCSE (Gruesome Creatures Study & Education).

  Mostly Bs: Genius

  You certainly have what it takes to make it in the monster world. We see a glittering career ahead of you as a top Monster-hunter. Either that or you could write really stupid books about monsters. (Hey! That’s my job! – author.)

  Mostly Cs: Hopeless case

  We really hope you never meet a monster, because if you do you won’t last very long. Run and hide!

  NiGHT OF THE VAMpiRe

  Vampires take a great delight,

  In giving folk a juicy bite.

  What’s a vampire’s least favourite meal?

  Stake and chips.

  What’s a vampire’s favourite fruit?

  Necktarines.

  What do vampires write at the end of a letter?

  Best vicious.

  Why should you never get close to a vampire?

  They all have bat breath.

  Do vampires believe in astrology?

  Yes, they always read their horror-scopes.

  What does Count Dracula get from his admirers?

  Fang mail.

  Did you hear about the two vampires who had an argument?

  They’re now the best of fiends.

  What sound can you hear in a graveyard?

  Coffin.

  Where does Dracula go when he’s in New York?

  the Vampire State Building.

  How do vampires like their snacks?

  Bite size.

  Why are a vampire’s teeth like stars?

  Because they come out at night.

  What’s red, sticky and bites people?

  A jampire.

  What sort of club do vampires belong to?

  A blood group.

  What do you get if you cross a vampire with a duck?

  Count Quackula.

  Where do vampires go on holiday?

  Batlins.

  What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  It’s a pain in the neck.

  How do vampires sail the seas?

  In a blood vessel.

  What kind of sausages do vampires like?

  Fangfurters.

  Why do vampires like the circus?

  They always go for the juggler.

  Mandy: Why do you keep throwing garlic out of your bedroom window?

  Andy: To keep the vampires away.

  Mandy: But there aren’t any vampires around here.

  Andy: I know. Works brilliantly, doesn’t it?

  A WHOLe LOAD OF HAGS

  Cackle, cackle, see them fly,

  Astride their broomsticks in the sky.

  What do you get if you cross a witch with a fridge?

  A cold spell.

  What noise do baby witches make when they are playing with toy cars?

  Broom, broom.

  Why do witches use pencil sharpeners?

  To keep their hats pointy.

  Why do witches use computers?

  Because they have spell-checkers.

  Why was the witch late?

  She’d lost her witch watch.

  Why was the witch shampooing her broom?

  She wanted a clean sweep.

  What kind of sandals do witches wear?

  Open-toad.

  Why won’t a witch wear a flat cap?

  There’s no point in it.

  How can you tell if a witch is carrying a bomb?

  When their brooms tick.

  What goes cackle, cackle, bonk?

  A witch laughing her head off.

  Why did the witch’s voice sound hoarse?

  She had a frog in her throat.

  What do you call a young, pretty and friendly witch?

  A failure.

  What would you do if a witch in a pointy hat sat in front of you at the cinema?

  Miss most of the film.

  A PiLe OF OLD BONeS

  Hark! I hear a rattling sound,

  Coming from the graveyard ground.

  Why do skeletons hate the winter?

  The cold goes right through them.

  What do you call a skeleton who isn’t real?

  A bony phoney.

  Why are skeletons so calm?

  Nothing gets under their skin.

  What did one skeleton say to another?

  ‘I’ve got a bone to pick with you.’

  Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?

  He had no body to go with.

  Who’s the most famous skeleton in history?

  Napoleon Bone-aparte.

  How do skeletons travel?

  By skelecopter.

  What do skeletons do in the evenings?

  Watch skelevision.

  What do you call a lazy skeleton?

  Bone idle.

  Why are skeletons cowards?

  They have no guts.

  Do skeletons ever get scared?

  They sometimes get a bit rattled.

  What do skeletons write on their front doors?

  There’s no place like bone.

  Why do skeletons always order Chinese takeaway?

  For the spare ribs.

  How do skeletons keep in touch with each other?

  By mobile bone.

  GHOSTLY GOiNGS-ON

  An icy breath, the air is chilly.

  Yes, you’re being haunted, silly!

  What do you call a ghost’s parents?

  Transparents.

  What does a ghost call his parents?

  Mum and Dead.

  Who was the boy ghost going out with?

  His ghoulfriend.

  What do ghosts chew?

  Boo-ble gum.

  Why are ghosts always relaxed?

  They’re completely chilled.

  What game do ghosts like playing?

  Hide and shriek.

  Why is ‘s’ a ghost’s favourite letter?

  Because it turns cream into scream.

  What do ghosts do after school?

  Watch terror-vision.

  What do you call a ghostly cyclist?

  Squeals on wheels.

  What happened when the boy ghost saw the girl ghost?

  It was love at first fright.

  What do you call a ghost with big ears?

  Eerie.

  What is a ghost’s favourite fairy tale?

  ‘Ghoul-dilocks and the Three Bears’.

  What would you do if a ghost appeared in your bedroom?

  Sleep in the living room.

  What do ghosts wear to improve their eyesight?

  Spooktacles.

  What do you call a gho
st who’s good at football?

  A ghoulie.

  What do ghostly policemen do?

  They haunt criminals.

  What music do ghosts listen to?

  Soul music.

  What do ghost drivers wear?

  Sheet belts.

  What does a boy ghost do to get a girlfriend?

  He wooooooos her!!!

  What’s a ghost’s favourite day of the week?

  Frightday.

  TeN THiNGS YOU’D Be SURPRiSeD TO FiND A MONSTeR DOiNG

  1. Watching repeats of Friends.

  2. Phoning for a vegetarian pizza.

  3. Knitting.

  4. Going to the library.

  5. Visiting a National Trust property.

  6. Caravanning.

  7. Enjoying a meal in your local restaurant.

  8. Making a skoobie keyring.

  9. Throwing a pyjama party.

  10. Baking muffins.

  A MONSTROUS MiX-UP

  The beasts would like to welcome you,

  To a very mixed-up monster stew.

  What do birds do at Hallowe’en?

  Trick or tweet.

  What do you call a haunted wigwam?

  A creepy teepee.

  Why do graveyards have fences around them?

  Because everyone’s dying to get in.

  Who looks after the graveyard?

  A scaretaker.

  Mandy: What’s the difference between a coffin and a letterbox?

  Andy: I don’t know.

  Mandy: Well, I won’t be asking you to post my letters then.

  Why did the cannibal eat his father’s sister?

  He was an aunt-eater.

  What did one hideous swamp monster say to the other?

  ‘Slime to go!’

  Why was no one speaking to the hideous swamp monster?

  His name was mud.

  What do you call a sick crocodile?

  An illigator.

  What happened when one giant spider got married to another giant spider?

  They were newly webs.

  What’s big, green and slimy with hairy feelers?

  I don’t know, but there’s one crawling on your shoulder right now!

  What did one Venus Fly Trap say to the other?

  ‘No flies on you.’

  What did the fly say when he got caught in a Venus Fly Trap?

  ‘This is a very sticky situation.’

  What did the plant reply?

  ‘Keep your trap shut.’

  WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?

  If you were a monster, what would you be – vampire, witch, dragon or ghost? Test your monster personality in our really ‘fun’ quiz.

  1. Where would you prefer to live?

  A In a damp cave.

  B In a spooky castle.

  C In a silk-lined coffin.

  D In a coven full of cackling hags.

  2. What sort of food do you enjoy?

  A Anything blackened and burnt to a crisp.

  B Frozen food mainly.

  C Just a refreshing glass of blood now and then.

  D A few warty old toads boiled up in a cauldron.

  3. What’s your idea of a relaxing weekend?

  A Having a super-hot barbecue. Smokin’!

  B Just chilling out and finding a new haunt for a couple of days.

  C Getting all dressed up and going out on the town for a bite.

  D Inviting the girls round for a spellover.

  4. How would you describe your personality?

  A I’m pretty fiery.

  B You can see right through me.

  C I like to get my teeth into things.

  D Anyone that meets me falls under my spell.

  5. What would be your ideal job?

  A A chef in a fast-food restaurant – I’d grill the burgers to perfection.

  B Working behind a bar – but I’ll only serve spirits.

  C I’ll do anything as long as I can work night shifts.

  D A cleaner, so I could use my varied selection of brooms.

  Results

  Mostly As

  Flamin’ ’eck! You’d make a red-hot fire-breathing DRAGON.

  Mostly Bs

  Being a gruesome GHOST is really your thing. Ghoul for it!

  Mostly Cs

  You were born to be a VAMPIRE. Fangtastic!

  Mostly Ds

  A spell as a wand-erful WITCH would be just right for you.

  ZOMBie ZONe

  Those staring eyes,

  that staggering gait,

  The zombies are coming

  – let’s not wait!

  What did one zombie say to the other zombie?

  ‘You must be out of your mind!’

  Why do zombies always look so tired?

  They’re dead on their feet.

  Why did the zombie boy finish with his zombie girlfriend?

  She was too empty-headed.

  Who does a zombie take to a party?

  Anyone he can dig up.

  What game do little zombies play?

  Corpses and robbers.

  Why do zombies go to school?

  To get a good deaducation.

  Why is a zombie like an old apple?

  They’re both rotten to the core.

  Why did the zombie jump out of the wrong hole?

  He’d made a grave mistake.

  What did the zombie do when his arm dropped off?

  He went to the second-hand shop.

  KNOCK, KNOCK, THeRe’s A MONSTeR ABOUT!

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Lettuce.’

  ‘lettuce who?’

  ‘Lettuce in, there’s a monster after me!’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Shirley.’

  ‘Shirley who?’

  ‘Shirley monsters don’t really exist?’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Ken.’

  ‘Ken who?’

  ‘Ken I come in? I’m scared!’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Sarah.’

  ‘Sarah who?’

  ‘Sarah way out of here?’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Amanda.’

  ‘Amanda who?’

  ‘Amanda the table, shaking!’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Amy.’

  ‘Amy who?’

  ‘Amy fraid of monsters.’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Police.’

  ‘Police who?’

  ‘Police open the door and let me in!’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Luke.’

  ‘Luke who?’

  ‘Luke behind you, there’s something horrible!’