The Great Monster Joke Book Read online
PUFFIN BOOKS
THe GReAT MONSTeR JOKe BOOK
For Flexigirl and Pretty Kitty
– aka Izzy and Sophia
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London, WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)
Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), cnr Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa
Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London, WC2R 0RL, England
penguin.com
First published 2006
Copyright © Puffin Books, 2006
Illustrations copyright © Dan Green, 2006
All rights reserved
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
ISBN: 978-0-141-96344-0
CONTENTS
A Menace of Monsters
The Fear Factor
Beware of the Dragon!
Gigantic Gags
It’s a Myth-tery!
Celebrity Creatures
I Sea, I Sea, I Sea
Joke-osaurus
Top Ten Ways to Get Rid of a Monster
Slithering Serpents
It’s an Alien Thing
Werewolf Wanderings
Mummies and Deadies
The Beastly Bite Cafe
Beastly Knock, Knocks
Test your Monster IQ
Night of the Vampire
A Whole Load of Hags
A Pile of Old Bones
Ghostly Goings-on
Ten Things You’d Be Surprised to Find a Monster Doing
A Monstrous Mix-Up
What Kind of Monster Are You?
Zombie Zone
Knock, Knock, There’s a Monster About!
What’s worse than being surrounded by huge scary monsters? Being surrounded by AWFUL JOKES ABOUT MONSTERS, that’s what!
Think you can stomach hundreds of gruesome and ghastly gags? Fine, go ahead. But remember:
Many readers before you have emerged from this experience TREMBLING and SHAKING. Was it with laughter – or pure terror? Find out for yourself. Now say your goodbyes and get ready to enter our madhouse of monster mirth!
A MENACE OF MONSTERS
Monsters, monsters everywhere,
They come out in the night.
So if you want to stay alive,
You best keep out of sight.
What did the monster say when he met the human?
‘Pleased to eat you!’
What’s huge and hairy and goes up and down?
A monster on a pogo stick.
What do you give a seasick monster?
Plenty of room.
How do you stop a monster from smelling?
Cut off his nose.
Where do you find monster snails?
On the end of monsters’ fingers.
What is the monsters’ favourite football team?
Scream Park Rangers.
What did one of the monster’s eyes say to the other eye?
‘Between you and me there’s something that smells.’
What would you do if you saw a blue monster?
Try and cheer him up.
What would you do with a green monster?
Put him in the sun until he ripens.
Why did the monster spit out the clown?
It tasted funny.
How do you know if there’s a monster in your bed?
By the big ‘M’ on his pyjamas.
What’s the best way to see a monster?
From a distance.
What did the grape say when the monster stepped on him?
Nothing. It just gave a little whine.
Where does a monster sit on the train?
Anywhere he likes!
What do monsters call human beings?
Breakfast, lunch and dinner.
What should you do after shaking hands with a monster?
Count your fingers.
What is a monster’s favourite game?
Squash.
What do monster parents say to their kids during meals?
‘Don’t talk with someone in your mouth!’
What kind of nurseries do monster babies go to?
Child scare centres.
Monster 1: We had burglars last night.
Monster 2: Oh, really?
Monster 1: Well, it makes a change from beings on toast.
How do baby monsters like to travel?
By chew-chew train.
What is the monsters’ favourite TV show?
BeastEnders.
What’s the first thing a monster eats in a restaurant?
The waiter.
Monster kid: Mum, is it OK to bring a friend home for lunch?
Monster mum: Yes, fine. Pop him in the oven when he gets here.
Andy: Do monsters smell?
Mandy: Just a phew.
THE FEAR FACTOR
Which scary monster is the scariest of them all? We’ve spent years making detailed studies of the most fearsome creatures and have come up with a range of revealing ratings – otherwise known as the Fear Factor. So now you can discover which are the beastliest beasts – and, most importantly, how to avoid them …
THE MUMMY
What makes it scary?
Ancient, musty and covered in smelly flapping bandages
Goes ‘Uh, uh, uh’ and stomps around
Cannot be reasoned with in any way whatsoever
How to avoid
Don’t take up archaeology as your future career.
Top tip
If being pursued by one of these bandaged tomb-dwellers, do not lose your nerve and scream, ‘I want my mummy!’ The hulking thing will never give up if you do.
FEAR FACTOR: 10/10
VAMPIRE
What makes it scary?
Big sharp fangs
Wants to bite your neck and turn you into a vampire just like him
Lives in a coffin during daylight hours
How to avoid
Hang garlic cloves – loads of them – around your neck. Vampires hate the smell of garlic. Unfortunately, so will all your friends and you’ll end up as a Norman No-Mates. Still, it’s better than ending up as one of the undead, isn’t it?
Top tip
Vampires always wear big black cloaks. If a vampire turns up at your house, it will want to know where the cloakroom is before it gets down to any neck-biting business. Direct it to the nearest broom cupboard and lock it in. If it tries to wheedle its way out, just say, ‘No fangs.’
FEAR FACTOR: 9/10
WITCH
What makes her scary?
Loud cackling laugh and big warty nose
Flies on a broomstick
C
asts magic spells and makes horrible cauldron concoctions
How to avoid
Keep away from women-only meetings in case the attendees are really witches in disguise. This means you’ll never be able to attend one of your mum’s Weight Shifters’ evenings or become a member of the Women’s Institute (aw, what a shame!).
Top tip
Not all witches are evil – some are actually quite nice. It’s just a case of knowing which witch is which.
FEAR FACTOR: 9/10
TROLL /GIANT
What makes them scary?
Very, very big – we mean, like, REALLY HUGE
Often carries a big club
Says things like ‘Fee, fi, fo, fum’ (whatever that means)
How to avoid
You can hear – and feel – their footsteps coming a mile off, so you’ll have loads of time to scarper.
Top tip
As giants and trolls are not known for their intelligence, get the better of the great big dimwit by asking it a question. Try something like, ‘Hey, giant, what goes “Muf, of, if, eef”?’ By the time he’s worked out it’s a giant going backwards, you’ll be home and dry.
FEAR FACTOR: 8/10
ZOMBIE
What makes it scary?
Hideous staring eyes
Lumbering walk
Rotting flesh
Uncontrollable urge to strangle any human who happens to get in its way
How to avoid
Simple. Don’t hang around graveyards at night.
Top tip
Bits of a zombie (usually the rotting hands) can suddenly drop off, and it may lose its balance and stagger about for a bit. This is your chance to give it a good shove and make your getaway.
FEAR FACTOR: 8/10
CREATURE UNDER THE BED
What makes it scary?
Lives in the dark shadowy bit under your bed
Waits until it’s night-time and you’re alone
Tries to grab your toes before you jump under the duvet
How to avoid
Wear your slippers right until you’ve got into bed. Alternatively, buy a futon, which lies flat on the floor, ensuring that there is absolutely NO SPACE for a creature to hide in.
Top tip
No one has yet proved the existence of the Creature Under the Bed. If you managed to capture one, you would therefore become instantly rich and famous. We suggest luring the thing out by dangling your big toe over the edge of your bed (and having a large net at the ready would help). It’s toe-tally foolproof!
FEAR FACTOR: 6/10
ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN
What makes it scary?
It’s not a snowman
But it is extremely ‘abominable’
How to avoid
It’s only found in the Himalayas, so ask your teacher not to book the Himalayan Holiday Inn as the venue for the next school skiing trip.
Top tip
The creature is known locally as the Yeti, which is a good thing to know if one is trying to eat you. The locals will have no idea what you’re talking about if you scream, ‘Help! I’m being chased by the Abominable Snowman!’ Try shouting, ‘Yeti, it get me!’ instead.
FEAR FACTOR: 5/10
GIANT SQUID
What makes it scary?
It’s massive
Loads of tentacles that it can crush entire ships with
Sprays smelly ink (we’re not sure about this, but it sounds really unpleasant so we’re keeping it in)
How to avoid
It lives deep in the ocean, so avoid boats, ships and ferry crossings to Calais – even if this does mean missing out on all those super-cheap French hypermarkets.
Top tip
Don’t ask for scuba-diving lessons for your birthday, and avoid island holidays.
FEAR FACTOR: 4/10
LOCH NESS MONSTER
What makes it scary?
Huge, humpy underwater serpent
Mysterious and elusive
Thought to be an ancient beast that’s as old as the dinosaurs
How to avoid
Don’t join the LOONIES (Loch Observation Of Nessie In Evidence-gathering Submarines) or any other of the many crackpot monster-hunting associations that are around.
Top tip
As Nessie only appears once every ten years or so, most people have given up and gone home by now. We suggest you join them.
FEAR FACTOR: 1/10
They’re green, they’re
scaly, they breathe fire!
Black and crispy, you’ll expire.
What did the dragon say to the knight?
‘Nice to heat you!’
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
Because they fight knights.
What does a dragon call knights in armour?
Tinned food.
How do dragons like their burgers?
Flame-grilled.
Who lives in a land called Honah Lee and weeps all day?
Puff the Tragic Dragon.
What do you get if you cross a canine with a dragon?
A hot-dog.
What’s a dragon’s favourite breakfast cereal?
Puffed wheat.
What did the mummy dragon say to the baby dragon?
‘You’re too young to smoke!’
Why are dragons so grumpy?
They have very hot tempers.
What do you call a dragon’s ex-girlfriend?
An old flame.
What happens if you get told off by a dragon?
You get a real grilling.
What do you get if you cross a dragon with the Big Bad Wolf?
A creature that huffs and puffs and burns your house down.
Why did the dragon breathe fire on his computer?
He was trying to burn a CD.
What did the dragons hope for at their barbecue party?
A knight to remember.
What do dragons like most about school?
Fire drills.
What’s green, scaly and goes up and down?
A dragon on an escalator.
Why do dragons weigh everything?
They like using their scales.
GiGANTiC GAGS
Giants and trolls are very large,
Their bums are bigger than a barge.
What should you do if a giant sits on your car?
Get a new one.
What do you get if a group of ogres tries on your underwear?
Gi-ants in your pants.
What did the giant use to stop his trainers from smelling?
Ogre-eaters.
What’s huge and scary and jumps out of lunch boxes?
A bread troll.
How do you know if there’s a giant under your bed?
Your bed is touching the ceiling.
Why did the two giants go out for a walk?
They fancied an evening troll.
Why did the giant buy a lottery ticket?
It was a trollover.
What’s huge and scary and hangs around in bathrooms?
A toilet troll.
What do you call a giant who’s fallen into a pit?
A troll in a hole.
Why did the ogre buy a new pair of shoes?
He was too big for his boots.
What do you call a giant with artificial hair?
A big wig.
What do you call a giant who shows off?
A big head.
What do trolls do at night?
They go clubbing.
IT’S A MYTH-TeRY!
Legend tells of creatures old,
Whose sight would make your
blood run cold.
What do you get if you cross a footballer and a mythical beast?
A centaur forward.
Why has a manticore got a lion’s body with a human head?
He’s the mane man.
What do you get if you cross a unicorn with a cobbler?
A shoehorn.
Wha
t do you call a mad unicorn?
A loonicorn.
What do you get if you cross a basilisk with a bumblebee?
A buzzylisk.
What do you call a basilisk with no eyes?
A baslsk.
Have you heard the one about the half-man, half-horse who kept showing off?
He had to be the centaur of attention.
Why did Cyclops give up teaching?
He only had one pupil.
What does Cyclops’ wife call him?
No eye, dear …
What do you get if you cross a manticore with a stick of chewing gum?
A minticore.
Where does Medusa get her snake hair done?
In a Hiss ‘n’ Hers salon.
Why is Medusa always at the hair salon?
She’s into hair scare.
What’s Medusa’s hair like?
Coily.
What would you say if you met a three-headed dog?
‘Hello, hello, hello!’
What did one mandrake say to the other?
Why is a griffin half-lion, half-eagle?
So it can roar and soar at the same time.
The Great Monster Joke Book