The Great Monster Joke Book Read online

  Why do griffins make excellent spies?

  They’ve got eagle eyes.

  What do you call a griffin with a sore throat?

  A gruff-in.

  What happened when Pegasus caught a cold?

  He was a little hoarse.

  What is Pegasus’ favourite day of the week?

  Flyday.

  What do you get if you cross a famous winged horse with a farmyard animal?

  Pigasus.

  What did one hideously ugly winged woman say to the other?

  ‘Don’t worry, be harpy.’

  Why did the harpy never get married?

  She wanted to stay a myth.

  What did one harpy to the other?

  ‘Wing you later.’

  What game do mythical beasts play?

  Argonauts and crosses.

  What did one enchanted forest say to the other?

  ‘Glade to see you.’

  CeLeBRiTY CReATUReS

  They’re famous all around the nation,

  And have a fearsome reputation.

  Who’s big, green and very grumpy?

  The Incredible Sulk.

  Why does the Incredible Hulk recycle everything?

  He’s very green.

  What’ big and green but keeps turning red?

  The Incredible Hulk holding his breath.

  What do you get when the Loch Ness Monster forgets to clean up?

  A messy Nessie.

  What is the Loch Ness Monster’s favourite nursery rhyme?

  ‘Humpty-Dumpty’.

  Has anyone seen the Loch Ness Monster today?

  No, he’s got the hump.

  What creature can’t use its front-door key?

  The Lock Less Monster.

  What creature has always got cold feet?

  The Sock Less Monster.

  What creature is always late for school?

  The Clock Less Monster.

  Has anyone seen the Abominable Snowman?

  Not Yeti …

  Why did the Abominable Snowman take acting classes?

  He wanted to get into snow business.

  What do you get if you cross the Abominable Snowman with a vampire?

  Frostbite.

  What do you get if you cross the Abominable Snowman with Tinkerbell?

  A hairy, scary fairy.

  Could you get rid of the Abominable Snowman by throwing eggs at him?

  Yes – he’d be eggs-terminated.

  What do you call a monster with a high IQ?

  Frank Einstein’s monster.

  Is Frankenstein’s monster insane?

  Well, he has got a screw loose.

  Why does Frankenstein’s monster get stomach ache?

  He bolts his food down.

  What are King Kong’s favourite biscuits?

  Chocolate chimp cookies.

  How does King Kong make money?

  He’s in the monkey business.

  What hides under the bed and shakes its thing?

  The boogieman.

  What hides under the bed and picks its nose?

  The bogeyman.

  Why did King Kong climb to the top of a skyscraper?

  He was just monkeying around.

  What does King Kong wear when he’s cooking?

  An ape-ron.

  What month is King Kong’s birthday?

  Ape-ril.

  What do you get if you cross a cow with a famous hunchback?

  Quasi-moo-do.

  Why is King Kong always eating?

  He’s got a big ape-itite.

  Who rings the church bells while carrying his sandwiches?

  The Lunchpack of Notre-Dame.

  I SeA, I SeA, I SeA

  Heave-ho, me hearties,

  and board your fine ship,

  But beware of the ocean

  and don’t take a dip.

  What is a sea monster’s favourite meal?

  Fish and ships.

  What did the giant octopus say after he’d told his friend a joke?

  ‘I was just pulling your leg, leg, leg, leg, leg, leg, leg, leg’.

  What did the giant squid say to the sailor?

  ‘I’ve got a crush on you.’

  How do you entertain a baby octopus?

  Give it ten tickles.

  How much money did the giant octopus have in the bank?

  Six squid.

  Why did the sailor disappear?

  He’d been squidnapped.

  Why do sea monsters avoid eating ancient ships?

  They’re as tough as old boats.

  Where do sea monsters keep their money?

  In a current account.

  How does one sea monster greet another?

  ‘Good tide-ings!’

  Sailor 1: Have you seen any big sharks around here?

  Sailor 2: Not a fin.

  When do sharks like to eat?

  At crunch time.

  What do sharks do before bed?

  Have a bite-time snack.

  What do you get if you cross a shark with a parrot?

  An animal that talks your head off.

  Why should you never believe a shark?

  Because of their fishy tails.

  Joke-OSAURUS

  By finding bits of

  ancient fossil,

  We know that dinos

  were colossal.

  Why are dinosaurs healthier than dragons?

  Because dinosaurs don’t smoke.

  What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with your school uniform?

  A Tie-rarmosaurus Rex.

  What’s the scariest dinosaur of them all?

  The Terror-dactyl.

  Which dinosaur is the cleverest?

  The Thesaurus.

  What do you call a healthy dinosaur?

  A Well-ociraptor.

  Why do people avoid dinosaurs?

  Because their eggs stink!

  What was the most flexible dinosaur?

  Tyrannosaurus Flex.

  What do you call a dinosaur with a bandage on?

  Dino-sore.

  What do you call a sleepy dinosaur?

  A Stegosnorus.

  What do you call a dinosaur that’s fallen into a lake?

  A Driplodocus.

  What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?

  Jurassic Pork.

  What kind of dinosaur gets eaten?

  A Dinner-saur.

  What do you call a dinosaur that’s been run over by a steamroller?

  A Flatosaurus.

  TOP TEN WAYS TO GET RID OF A MONSTER

  Faced with a ferocious fiend? Attacked by an angry alien? No worries – this user-friendly guide will provide you with everything you need to know in the event of a creature crisis.

  1. Divert it. Try tap-dancing or performing a card trick. Can’t do either? Just put a pair of pants on your head and run around in circles mumbling. Nobody – not even a terrifying monster – wants to hang out with a weirdo.

  2. Offer it a snack. A packet of Monster Munch usually goes down well.

  3. Tell it a joke. Not one about monsters, though – they’re very sensitive creatures.

  4. Do not forget the punch line. This is excellent advice for any joke-telling situation … although being eaten alive is not usually a risk in other joke-telling situations.

  5. Shout. We suggest, ‘Look out, here comes the Phantom Monster-Catcher with His Very Enormous Net for Catching Monsters!’ It gets them every time.

  6. Act friendly. Greet the monster enthusiastically – perhaps with a kiss – and explain that you once met at a party. It may believe you are its friend and, who knows, you may even get to like each other.

  7. Bore it senseless. Waffle on for hours about your love of train-spotting, pressed flowers, fossil-collecting, etc., etc. The monster may lose interest and wander off.

  8. Hypnotize it. You’ll need to be a trained hypnotist for this one. Oh well, on to no. 9 then …

 
9. Take it by surprise. Do the unexpected. For example, if the monster attacks, don’t fight back but try tickling it instead. At least you’ll die laughing!

  10. As a last resort … If all our advice fails, run like the wind. Get out of there. Jump on your bike and ride. Make like the gingerbread man and run, run as fast as you can … (OK, OK, we’ve got the message.)

  SLiTHeRiNG SeRPeNTS

  With snakes there’s little mystery,

  One bite and you are ‘hiss-tory’.

  What do snakes do after a fight?

  Hiss and make up.

  What do you get if you cross a snake with a detective?

  A spy-thon.

  What do you get if you cross a piece of garden equipment with a deadly snake?

  A mower constrictor.

  What sort of knickers do snakes wear?

  Ser-pants.

  When is a snake like a calculator?

  When it’s an adder.

  What did the serpent give his girlfriend?

  A goodnight hiss.

  What did the mummy snake say to the little snake?

  ‘Viper your nose.’

  What do you call a snake on your car?

  A windscreen viper.

  Why couldn’t the snake join the club?

  He wasn’t a mamba.

  What did the snake say to his long-lost friend?

  ‘Re-mamba me?’

  Do snakes ever get embarrassed?

  Sometimes they want to coil up and die.

  Why was the serpent so popular?

  He had a great poisonality.

  What is a snake’s favourite football team?

  Slitherpool.

  IT’S AN ALIEN THING

  Little green men come from space,

  To scare the pants off the human race.

  How does an alien count to nineteen?

  On his fingers.

  Alien kids: Mum, Mum, where’s our dinner?

  Alien mum: Be quiet, you lot. I’ve only got three pairs of hands.

  What are aliens’ favourite sweets?

  Mars Bars.

  Why did the alien leave the party?

  Because there was no atmosphere.

  Where do aliens park their spaceships?

  At parking meteors.

  What happened when the astronaut saw an alien wearing a watch?

  He thought it was a lunar-tick.

  What do aliens spread on their toast?

  Mars-malade or Mars-mite.

  Why are aliens so scary?

  Because they’re extra-terror-estrials.

  What’s an alien’s favourite day of the week?

  Moonday.

  What’s an alien’s favourite game?

  Astronauts and crosses.

  What do aliens eat for breakfast?

  E.T. bix.

  What do you get if you cross an alien with a wizard?

  A flying sorcerer.

  What do aliens cook their sausages in?

  An Unidentified Frying Object.

  What live on other planets and are covered in tomato sauce?

  Beans from outer space.

  Where do aliens catch their trains?

  At the space station.

  Why are annoying aliens like bogies?

  They’re little green things that get right up your nose.

  WeReWOLF WANDeRiNGS

  The moon is full and there’s

  something scary,

  About a beast that is big

  and hairy.

  What do you get if you cross a dog with a vampire?

  A were-woof.

  What are werewolves’ favourite snacks?

  Howl-a-Hoops.

  Why should you avoid werewolves?

  They’re barking mad.

  Andy: Are there any werewolves around here?

  Mandy: Gnaw idea.

  Mandy: What do you get if you cross a werewolf with a glove?

  Andy: I don’t know, but I wouldn’t want to shake hands with it.

  Where do they make werewolf movies?

  In Howly–wood.

  What do you call a wolf who lives in a launderette?

  A wash–and–wear wolf.

  How do werewolves eat?

  They wolf their food down.

  How do werewolves relax?

  They go on howliday.

  What do you call a wolf that’s been running around all night?

  A weary wolf.

  Where do werewolves live?

  In werehouses.

  What sort of jokes do werewolves like best?

  Howlers!

  MUMMies AND DeADies

  Where there’s a mummy,

  there’s a curse,

  Which makes things go

  from bad to worse.

  Why were the ancient Egyptians confused?

  Because their daddies were mummies.

  Where do mummies go swimming?

  In the Dead Sea.

  Why is it safe to tell a mummy a secret?

  Because he’ll keep it under wraps.

  Why was the mummy annoyed?

  Someone had been winding him up.

  What kind of music do mummies listen to?

  Wrap music.

  What do you call a mummy eating a biscuit?

  A crumby mummy.

  Mandy: Did the ancient Egyptians build the pyramids?

  Andy: I sphinx so.

  What is written on the outside of a mummy?

  ‘Tomb it may concern.’

  Why did the mummy fail his exams?

  He didn’t complete his cursework.

  What do you call an ancient Egyptian garage mechanic?

  Toot and car man.

  Why don’t mummies go on holiday?

  They might relax and unwind.

  Did you hear the one about the thieves who broke into a tomb and got covered in thick brown liquid?

  They were gravy robbers.

  What did the mummy film director shout at the end of the day?

  ‘It’s a wrap!’

  Why do mummies always look on the bright side?

  Because every shroud has a silver lining.

  Why are mummies selfish?

  Because they’re so wrapped up in themselves.

  THE BeASTLY BiTe CAFE

  Hey, monsters – it’s munch time at the Beastly Bite Cafe! You won’t find a tastier selection of body parts anywhere. So rid yourself of the rumbles and attack these snivelling snacks!

  Starter

  Marinated being salad

  Main courses

  Legs – scrambled or terror-fried

  Grilled guts with a garnish of gangrene

  Spit-roasted rumps – cooked with real spit

  Catch of the day

  Floundering deep-sea diver, fresh from the sea (rubber mask and flippers optional)

  Warning: bones may be present, so please take care

  Accompaniments

  Pickled bunions and corns on the cob

  Mashed potatoes (made with real toes)

  Desserts

  Eyes-cream in various flavours: shock-olate, boo-berry or vein-illa

  Smelly jelly, served with a crunchy toenail topping

  To drink

  Limb-onade

  BeASTLY KNOCK, KNOCKS

  Watch out! There’s a monster at your front door …

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Goblin.’

  ‘Goblin who?’

  ‘Goblin your food will give you tummy ache.’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Harpy.’

  ‘Harpy who?’

  ‘Harpy birthday to you …’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Phoenix.’

  ‘Phoenix who?’

  ‘Phoenix another chip, I’ll squirt ketchup all over him!’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’
r />   ‘Sphinx.’

  ‘Sphinx who?’

  ‘Sphinx a lot of yourself, don’t you?’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Witch.’

  ‘Witch who?’

  ‘Witch way do we go now?’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘E.T.’

  ‘E.T. who?’

  ‘E.T. your broccoli or you won’t grow big and strong.’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Pharaoh.’

  ‘Pharaoh who?’

  ‘Pharaoh-nuff.’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Dragon.’

  ‘Dragon who?’

  ‘Dragon your feet wears holes in your shoes.’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Dino.’

  ‘Dino who?’

  ‘Dino what to do.’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Vicious.’

  ‘Vicious who?’

  ‘Vicious the way to Amarillo?’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Adder.’

  ‘Adder who?’

  ‘Adder any more biscuits?’

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Fangs.’

  ‘Fangs who?’

  ‘Fangs ain’t what they used to be.’